Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a REALLY touchy subject. I can only speak for myself but it is very difficult for me to forgive. I hold a grudge FOREVER. I also find solace in watching people who have hurt me suffer. I KNOW it's wrong. I acknowledge that. I am working on it daily. It is a serious waste of time and soooo draining.

Case in point: someone that I used to deal with, our relationship ended badly. This person befriended or grew close to someone I don't care for. Told this person SO MANY negative things about me. I was LIVID. My first reaction of course was to confront him and go off. My Mother advised me not to give it validation. To remove him from my mind and spirit. To be grateful he showed me who he was. To be happy I was now with someone who would NEVER treat me like that. EVER! Now fast forward a few years later-word on the street is he is going through it. A Reality show type of situation. The compassionate person that I am, I feel a little sorry for him despite it all. At the end of the day the ONLY memories I wish to take from my experiences with him is the way he made me LAUGH! I actually saw him awhile back and his first instinct was to SMILE at me. I looked really nice standing in front of my building. Of course I was still angry so I rolled my eyes because I am a Bitch. At the time I STILL was holding on to the anger of his betrayal. Now I realize he was just showing me who he was all along.

On this journey called life you will learn many lessons. People will always reveal who they are. You see me with the same people everyday. I am never in any drama, no beef. I am always motivated and my friends promote positivity. That was missing in my life for so long. I actually had a few people tell me I was TOO much for them. Mind you they live in a fairytale world full of smoke and mirrors. Looking back I was always there for them. They were always trying to get over on me and anyone else who would allow them. WOULD SELL ME OUT FOR 99 CENTS! Our so called friendships ended because I finally was seeing the truth behind the facade. I harbor no bitterness. I needed to be exposed to their negativity to appreciate the genuine beauty of the relationships I NOW have. I do have my bad days, but I look at the world differently now. For so long I was someone I wasn't. I can't be around fake people. I can't tolerate people whose priorities are screwed up. Mediocrity is my Kryptonite.

I can't stand people that don't take care of their kids. It's not even about monetary support. I mean if you're not physically present. This applies to BOTH genders. I put EVERYTHING I have into my son. I of course don't get it back at times, but what Mother truly does. I spent alot of my life being angry with my own Mother for what I felt like at times was lack of empathy. It caused a riff between us for years. It took me finally being STILL for a moment to see why she was like that. I am who I am because she was like that! I watch my mother up until this day handle her business. The difference between her and I is she never GRIPES about it. Neither does the other members of my support system. It's just what we have to do. At the end of the day my Mother loves me unconditionally and would never tell me anything wrong. I ache at times for the grief I caused her and hope we have many more years to make up for all the time lost.

Forgiveness is hard. It takes alot to move forward. It must be done in order to heal. It isn't easy at all. I am learning to be less angry at people and pray for more people.