The Woman Within

As the seasons change and Spring hints at her arrival I look back at my  coldest winter ever. After my last relationship I had resigned myself to spending the rest of my days alone. Shit, I was more than okay with that. I am a very loyal person. I love hard. I met someone who through no fault of my own changed on me. Let me rephrase that. He showed me who he was all along. To call our relationship toxic is to be kind. As the years pass I am just thankful to come out BETTER not bitter. I wish him well. And to stay the hell AWAY from me.

I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone. Every relationship I have been in I have been someone I was not. Playing small, not knowing my worth, not displaying my intelligence all so they can feel adequate. I also let some good ones get away too because I wasn't ready to bare my soul. To let someone see me and my flaws. One day I just said no more. I was content. I spent a year finding myself, accepting that the life I lived and the career I had were apart of my history and not my future. It was a pivotal time in my life.

Then here HE comes. Like a ray of light after a storm. No game, no agenda, no ulterior motives, just a nice guy. He listened to me. He talked to me. He wanted to hear my dreams. He wanted to hear my plans. He saw the best in me even when I didn't. He held me as I talked about the things that hurt me. How I felt raising David alone STILL. All the money in the world doesn't replace time. Imagine telling that to someone who had all the time and maybe not all the MONEY in the world. And at one time all the money in the world and no time. DEEP no?

You can't help who you love. Good, bad or indifferent like the song goes "Love makes things happen". I respect my sons father and am glad who he is because David is half him all the way. If I could choose one person to love for the rest of my life it would be Jermaine. Perfectly imperfect he is my partner in this life and hopefully the next. Our journey is HARD.If I would of known what lie ahead I would of savored the calm before the storm.

We have so many wonderful memories but one particular one sums up our relationship. One night we just decided to have date night. It of course didn't go as planned. We have a souvenir- a picture we took in Times Square at one o'clock in the morning after having an argument in Dave and Busters. A REAL argument. If you know Mainey you know he rarely gets mad but when he get mad he goes off. I will never forget it. I complained about everything. He ain't say nothing. I ordered some messy shit and didn't wanna mess my shirt up and didn't wanna put a napkin on. We were very inebriated and he told me "fuck what these people think, you gonna get sick". He also kept reminding me to go to the bathroom, everyone knows I hate public restrooms. Then to add insult to injury my feet were hurting because I had on some shoes he told me not to wear. He was too through with me.

 Anyway we decided to take the picture before we went inside after we ate and he was mad at me which he rarely gets no matter how "Kimmish" I can be. He leaves me and keeps looking back. I finally catch up to him and am about to get locked up for killing him and bringing him back to life(pun intended). I only did not yell because he screamed on me in Dave and Busters. He is with an African-American photographer. He had sought him out. As we take our pictures I see all these tourists taking our pictures too! It was soooo beautiful! He said to me "You're my woman and you're a star!"

That is why I am smiling so hard and I am riding so hard because at the end of the day all that matters is us. Forgive me Saints but I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks we love each other. He helped me discover the woman that was within.