I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet...

The last few years have been hard for me around the holidays for a number of reasons. Growing up I always was with my entire family. The memories we created and the lessons I learned I carry with me and treasure all the days of my life.

Instead of dwelling on negativity I am thankful for my blessings. My son has matured and has a job, is doing good in school and is in a relationship with a sweet girl who I adore. My mother who has had health issues is not only surviving but thriving. I have a really great relationship with my Sister and her children that brings me so much joy. I have a true friend in Samantha who lifts me up with encouragement and laughter. My Aunts Colette and Helen always have my back and are literally just a phone call away. Always there it's never a NO- maybe a not this second lol.

I have found true love in my Kitty Lucky. I am not a animal lover AT ALL but my Baby is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. All he wants is love and affection. He lit a fire in me that for a long time lay cold and I am forever grateful.

Last but certainly not least I am in love with my best friend. Born 5 years and two days apart we are so alike that it's scary sometimes. Our relationship isn't perfect but who knows where I would be if he wasn't in my life. Each holiday season brings the memories of how we met. I am thankful for God's gift to me of him on the Day Jesus was born.

Daddy used to say " I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." I am not where I want to be professionally yet and I want to be a homeowner in 2015 for real. I am however thankful for all the love, laughter and joy in my life presently.

Autumn in New York

I know I haven't posted anything in quite along time. Life's everyday routine coupled with getting myself together has made me neglectful to my Blog. So many people find my words encouraging and inspiring. I appreciate everyone who is taking my journey with me.

When you are a writer and life's situations get to be overwhelming it is so therapeutic to express yourself through words. It is a great release because it allows you to vent and also find comfort by seeing your feelings come alive.

I am at a point in my life right now where I am trying to get myself together. Physically, emotionally and mentally. This weekend one of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit me. It was so needed. Touching base with someone who has known you from the beginning puts things in perspective.

I don't know everything. I am intelligent, some say even gifted but I am a novice at a lot of things. Times spent burning the proverbial midnight oil absorbing facts and figures leave little time to acquire some of the other life skills you need in order to be a well rounded person. As I age I am open to seeing other people's views and broadening my own horizons.

At the end of the day I am trying to not only survive but to thrive. I worry all the time mostly about things that in the grand scheme of things are so inconsequential. My late father was like that too and he missed out on so much joy waiting for the pain...

As the holidays approach I am thankful for my ability to reinvent myself. I am constantly changing. My Mother complimented me the other day and said I am not who I was three months ago. Not only physically but I am open to change. I crave it. I am working on being a better Kim and each day is better than the last. I am not a perfect person but my heart is kind and nothing will ever change that. There's a saying " There's no use crying over spilled perfume." Everything that happens to us happens and how we react, adapt and learn from it helps define who we are. Life is about growth and change. I am just thankful for my blessings and my journey-whatever comes....

Life is but a Dream

I haven't posted anything in awhile because well life has had me going in a million different directions. I am BLESSED and highly favored by The Creator and thankful that He chooses to open my eyes each day. My family and the few true friends I have make life truly fulfilling.

I have a lot on my plate as we all do. It is daunting at times trying to juggle it all. Sometimes I feel like no one truly understands how hard it is to live the life that some covet I just try to stay focused and not feed into any negativity that I may encounter.

I am determined to get to where I need to be while I take the time to enjoy the ride. I am determined to succeed professionally because failure isn't an option.  We all may stumble along the way but the path to success is learning from your mistakes.

I also need to worry less and listen more. There is so much knowledge to be gained from others if you are open to let people in. That is my problem I don't trust easily because I have been hurt.

Material things come and go but good people and times are rare so if you are lucky enough to encounter them treasure it.

Summer Breeze

This Summer has been about change. Growth and stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't know if it's because the weather was so inclement last winter but this summer each brand new sunrise feels beautiful. It shows me that no matter what  happened yesterday God allowed me to experience today. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way. At times it may seem as if some of the things we experience are meant to break us but the truth is our trials and tribulations are our greatest lessons.

What I have also realized in earnestness is that life can change in the blink of an eye. We should each appreciate the gift of today and all the beauty and wonder it brings. I am learning to let go and let God lead. everything that happens in our lives is designed by the Creator to reinforce whatever He is trying to teach us. Sometimes the best thing that we can do is just step out of out own way. Love the people that love us back, pray for the people that don't and live each day to the fullest. You only get one life and it should be filled with all the joy your heart can hold.

Dance with my Father

I remember my seventh birthday. July 1984 we just returned from Cleveland. That trip stands out to me because it was one of the rare occasions during my childhood that I actually enjoyed the constant "she looks just like Ronald" that I have "endured" all of my life.


I never expected my father to suddenly pass away. Never did I believe that we weren't going to be together for many years to come. Of course I miss sharing the milestones with him. My mothers strength and resiliency. David and Kazia. David is Daddy fifty years ago-the same walk. I am with Courtney all the time and we hardly ever argue. He would of loved that but then again Samantha plays a big role in that as well.


I know that God's Will is His Way and that my father has prepared a place for me with Our King. As I embark on another milestone, I drift back to my 29th birthday and how Daddy and I danced all night. How the music wasn't the focus but the security and love I received in his arms was. How I was nervous to dance in front of all those people, song after song but my Daddy never let me go.How he spun me around and I felt like we were in the living room dancing in front of the big stereo to "Street Life", "Native New Yorker" or "Careless Whisper".

My father taught me many things. How to tie my shoes, thread a needle and fry chicken just to name a few. He built a volcano for me and came to the Science Fair, practiced with me for the Spelling Bee and Storytelling contests. All those speeches in school I wowed the world with, he was my audience for weeks. I was that great ass representative at Verizon because Daddy practiced bridging to the sale with me until I could sell a blind person a map.

My final gifts to my father are to keep his memory alive to Kayla and all the others that come into our family. Kayla is so sweet and humble. A beautiful child who actually acts at times that she is unaware of her beauty. That makes her even more gorgeous to me.

When I said goodbye to Daddy with Nana and Aunt Jetaun I made a promise to him and God that I would live my life for both of us. I know that at times I can get overwhelmed with the realities of life and forget to be content with the opportunity to experience today. I put other peoples needs ahead of my own. My father knew this way before I acknowledged this.

I miss you Daddy but thank you for guiding me from above. Tell Nana yes I still pick out the best greeting cards after Ronald....xoxo

"Look at this face, I know the years are showing
 Look at this life, I still don't know where I'm going....
 I don't know MUCH but I know I love YOU
 And that may be all I need to know."

Redemption

                                             When I reflect on my memories of life with my late father I remember that my Daddy always took the time to make sure we were alright. Ever since he passed away I have felt as if a piece of me was missing. I am grateful that my Sister and I were able to experience the positive joy of having our Dad in our lives.


                                            As I age I have learned alot of what my Dad was trying to teach me. He always said "to do your best and it was enough". He said "three things in life are non-negotiable-you're born, you die and you have to pay taxes". I love my father so much and as everyone knows I look just like him. It was a curse during his life but in the end it is such a blessing! I miss my father but I know he lived a full life and when it was over he left a legacy of love, laughter and wisdom. My father lives on through our family and I know he guides me from above just like I know my name.
                                         
                                     The only thing I wish was that we had more time. And that we woukd of taken more photographs. I carry him in my heart always and I know one day we will meet again. I love you Daddy and miss you so much. I thank you for teaching me independence and self-worth. For encouraging education and fostering my growth. Even your death taught me that no matter what you do in life good or bad in the end love tells your story and redemption is attainable. Happy Father's Day Daddy xoxo

Happiness Comes from Within

        I took a hiatus with my Blog because as the seasons changed and Summer began to show her presence I needed some time to reconfigure ME. Although born in July I really other than my birthday didn't like Summer but this past winter not only brought frigid temperatures to my region but it was a defining time in my life.

       I have grown so much this year. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and am embracing life and living each day on my own terms. I have issues as we each do. I just choose to live each day aware of the gift that it is. I will not allow anyone or anything to steal my joy or rain or my proverbial parade. Some days or better than others but I am learning that if you don't let negativity in then there isn't any space to plant a root and feed off of your joy.

       I can only speak for myself but life is so much sweeter when you just breathe. I am not a magician and I don't have a recipe for bliss. My family, faith and friends bring me so much joy! God has blessed me in unimaginable ways and He is The Redeemer. I am letting Him lead and I will never again compromise who I AM for anyone again. In order to grow you must take a look at who you are and what you want. I just KNOW that in the end if you do your best it is good enough. My journey has taught me that things and people change-don't dwell on the past or your pain just move on and bring the lesson-because every person you encounter has a lesson to teach you if you just listen to the whispers(in my Oprah voice).

    Dr. Angelou's passing showed me what a life well lived will produce. Did she brag about being the first female African-American conductor? Did she name drop about being in Ghana with Brother Malcolm or being half of "Al & Rita" with Alvin Ailey? Did she boast of orchestrating pivotal events for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference? Did she stunt about marrying a man regardless of his ethnicity when we live in a time where people can't even commit to a relationship exclusively on Facebook. In the end her words will live in infamy and if it is God's Plan mine will also. I just KNOW in order to be the best ME I can be(hey that rhymes) I must let go of my fears, inhibitions and the people, places and things that no longer serve me.

  It amazing how much energy and time we waste on bullshit. At least I DID. Not anymore. Life is too short and I am tired of being tired. Drained from drama and inconsequential nonsense. At the end of the day someone else's opinion of you is none of your concern. I KNOW I am a Phenomenal Woman-that's ME.

Man in the Mirror

     I haven't posted an entry for a while. I am humbled and appreciative that so many find inspiration and strength from my writing. Also from me as a person. My journey although unique is in no way any harder than anyone else. See I have come to realize that God gives everyone exactly what they need, on HIS TIME.

   Life is not a popularity contest. What others think of you is none of your concern. You only get one life and each day is a gift. I cannot emphasize that enough. Don't waste it on nonsense and pointless bullshit. Just live life with the best intentions and a kind heart. Embrace the good and block out the negativity. At the end of the day God is The Author of your entry in The Book of Life and He sees all. Be a blessing in some one's life today starting with your own.

Fearless and Authentic

              So much has happened in my life since my last entry. No matter what I am going through I still find the strength to keep going. I have to. Although it's hard I MUST. When I started this Blog it was meant to inform, enlighten and entertain. I also created it as an outlet for my need to write on a continuous basis.

             As I travel along life I am learning valuable lessons. One thing that I have come to know is that joy can be found in the most unconventional places. All you have to do is be open to it. It can be found in the little things.


            Every one is going through something. Class, race, gender, socio-economic distinction in no way determines what fate or lot we are dealt in life. Look at the Carters. They are going through the motions just like everyone else. And everyone is in their business. Just like everyone else.
       

         The main reason why I respect and admire Jay-Z is because he didn't let his upbringing and the circumstances in which he was born into define him. He is a man, nothing less but more in many ways. That he is known in Far Rockaway and in France.I don't know the specifics of the latest incident but I do know the logistics of family quarrels and at the end of the night it usually ends in a diner unless you can afford to call a restaurant owner and wake him up to make you some eggs.....


                  Spring has sprung and for me a new Kim has emerged. All the dedication, loyalty and love I hold in my heart is pure. See I don't have an agenda. I just try to make a way for as many as I possibly can. I am also not selfish. I used to be selfish, I admit that. You end up alone with materialistic things.

                 With God's Grace I will turn 37 years old this Summer. I
 Thank God I don't look like what I have been through. Social media has gotten a lot of people screwed up. We are not just filtering our pictures, we are filtering our lives. Misconstrued and twisted realities.  I am thankful for every test, every lesson and all the knowledge that my trials and tribulations have given me.

              Let go and let God. Be still and leave your heart and mind open to your blessings. At the end I used to dread going to work. Not like we all do at times but I knew that it wasn't what I needed to do any longer. God knew it to. I help people. I always have but now I do it on a regular basis. A young man I mentor in my neighborhood just got a great job and the joy in his eyes when he told me let me know I am exactly where I need to be.
           

What I know for sure

                                  Make no mistake about it-the life we want we must design. A constant in my life is God and all He has planned for me and what He will manifest on HIS TIME. I also have an obligation to diligently work proactively to contribute to my success. Each step towards a goal is worthy of gratitude.

                                 Sometimes we are put in situations to test our tolerance and create within us an ability to adapt. If everything always stayed the same we would never grow. If we never step out of our comfort zone and stay snuggled in a cocoon of complacency then are we TRULY living?

                                I KNOW how many people read my Blog. It is tracked. I hope that each of you that read my words feel the authenticity of what I share. I am constantly evolving. The person I was last year I don't think I would even recognize. The one thing I am working on the most is getting out of my own way. The letting go of past hurts and not holding grudges is a thing of the past. I truly don't give a fuck. If you are with me on this journey then be prepared for the ride of your life. In order for me to succeed I have to create the things that are needed to make it happen.


                           I am also true to myself. That was missing for a long time. Outwardly I may appear narcissistic, even a tad bit conceited. I rarely put myself first though. It got to the point where if I don't focus on me who will? What I know for sure is that this is it! One life, numerous chances and countless redemption's. It is up to each of us to find purpose and passion in everything. Above all remain true to yourself. If you have a dream actively pursue it and don't let anyone including yourself derail you from achieving it.

                  I hope today and everyday is full of peace, prosperity and joy for each of you. Spring has sprung and the air is warmer. The birds are chirping and the flowers are in bloom. We each owe it to ourselves and one another to sing the song God has placed inside of our soul. May today be the blessing to you that it is to me.          

A New Day

I know it may sound cliche but it's never too late to start anew. Each day and it's Dawn offers the ability to start over. I think that as time goes on many people forget that. We each have the ability to reinvent ourselves. No matter what we have been through in life we can change our circumstances. It starts with changing our attitude.

Have you ever seen someone who despite their situation they GLOW? That every time they open their mouths positivity is what they spout and when you leave them YOU feel better. I have spent most my life helping others and giving back. That will continue. I just have decided to take the time for me and work on being a better me. In order to be the BEST mother, daughter, partner, sister, aunt, niece, godmother and friend that I possibly can I must remain committed to taking care of myself.

I lost some weight. It wasn't that hard. I started moving, walking, drinking water, watching what I eat. I started writing. It wasn't hard. I started carrying a journal and pen with me. Rereading books from my past. Attending workshops, taking webinars, going to the library. I am a procrastinator. I wait for the last minute for everything. Shit I didn't fully grasp that I was going to be a Mother until I woke up to go to the hospital. I just refuse to let life pass me by. I will not let my creative and emotional spirit lay dormant.

The life we each have is designed by God. From the Creator we are given a blank canvass. What we do with this unique gift is up to us. Someone said to me recently " Kim, I know you want to be rich and famous". YEAH I do! All my life I have, since I was little yes I have. My teachers, family and friends have always encouraged me. As I age honestly I would rather just be rich, the fame isn't important. I just want my words to be seen by as many people as possible. That the life that I was given shall stand as a testament of my tenacious spirit.

I am currently reading Iyanla Vanzant's " One Day my Soul Just Opened Up". I have had it for years. I kept starting it, but it comes with a commitment of 40 days and 40 NIGHTS with assignments. It is forcing me to think, listen and meditate. The one thing that I have truly taken with me thus far is that what we seek is already placed inside up by the Creator. God has to be the driving force in our lives.

I am also learning that my past in no way, shape or form dictates my future. My present circumstances are the only thing that I need to concentrate on. Not worry about but focus on. I also am learning I can't be EVERYTHING to everyone. It's impossible. I just am thankful for the love and lessons I have accumulated over the years. I feel like I am growing into the person that God has cultivated from my conception. I feel renewed and above all blessed. A new day has dawned.

Friendship

       The ties that bind. Friendship is one of the best parts of life. One of the great parts about aging, is that you are able to recognize, distinguish the real from the fake. I am not going to go into a long tirade about past wrongs and betrayals-I am just going to drop a few jewels that I picked up over the years.

      True friends don't STAY mad. I mean no matter what transpired, when you get that call about a crisis, calamity, disaster, you are there. When my father died, illness, when things go wrong you are shown the truth about people. Listen to the whispers(in my Oprah voice).

      If you feel like you have to censor yourself around someone they are not your true friend. People will steal business opportunities, job offers, everything. Case in point. I was in a store with someone who hangs with a former friend of mine. They became friends AFTER we stopped being friends. I never hung out with this person, don't know her from a can of paint. Yet she had such animosity radiating from her being towards me. Hmmmmm.

          True friends compliment and complete you. No matter WHAT is going on they are there. My best friend had a emergency but no matter what she made it home to wish my son a happy birthday. She knows the depth of my love and adoration for my child. See what people fail to realize about life is that the little things matter. Having a shoulder to cry on. To be able to turn to someone and expose your shortcomings. To be raw and seek comforts for your wounds. Never throwing up in your face what they did for you.

           I am thankful for the fake friends, vultures, frenemies and negative people I have come into contact with. The ones who are quick to spend your money but when they got some they are out. Or will sell your secrets for a drink. I am an amazing person. Of course there are going to be some haters. It is a given. It however will not be tolerated in my circle. My home used to stay busy. I rarely entertain now unless it's my family or close friends.

       I am far from perfect. To know me is to love me though. It used to hurt when people I thought knew my story to my glory shit on me but it's all apart of life. For every fake friend I eliminated or who was purged from my life through something, their departure made space for me to embrace a genuine, loving and positive person.

      I also don't desire new people getting close to me. If I learned nothing else at all over the last few years I have learned that less is more. Everything in life is geared to teach you something. Chaos comes from not having peace in your life. Eliminate the negatives and concentrate on the positives. If our goals are not aligned then what is the use of being around each other.

       I am very loyal. It is a trait I used to detest but I see it in my son and I admire him for it. He has some great friends. They are great kids. They remind me that no matter what point we each start off from if we are determined to take this journey together and remain true and real with each other than the possibilities are endless.

For you I will

              Sometimes life moves at such a frantic pace that it's difficult to catch your breath. Responsibilities, bills, LIFE can be overwhelming. Everyone has an individual path we are on. Unique because it was placed in us by The Creator. The Journey is more about what we discover along the way. I am learning that it is okay to focus on me sometimes. I have always devoted my time to others.

     From the moment my child was created I have dutifully served as his mother with pride and love.  My family means everything to me. My nieces are my angels and I love them with every beat of my heart. I am blessed to love a man who loves and encourages me. Who I can be myself with. Who taught me how to stop worrying about what others think and to be who I am and not play small.

    I feel so alive now. I feel like anything I set my mind to I can achieve. They say that out of darkness light can emerge and I believe this. I also believe that in order to be everything to everyone we must take care of ourselves. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It goes beyond manicures, pedicures, clothing and adornments. It is when you decide that you are the part of the machine that allows it to operate. I see in myself and others the desire to be ALL to ALL. It is impossible. You will never achieve that feat and the attempt will give you devastating results.

    Looks can be deceiving. If you know someone who looks like they are juggling more than they can handle, chances are they are. Offer words of praise and understanding.  Show some encouragement and compassion. Offer to help or just give them an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Allow them to reveal their true selves to you. You will be glad that you did.

It's NOT the load but the way you CARRY it....

 

      Stepping out on FAITH is easier said than done. A constant theme in my writing is giving it over to God. No matter how intelligent, educated and driven we are if we don't understand that The Lord directs our steps than we are truly lost.

     I don't want to get Preachy on anyone. Although I was raised in the church as a Child of Christ I live my life on my own terms. I am spiritual and believe that not only does God exist but He lives inside each and every one of us.

   I AM A WHINER. I complain a lot although subconsciously I know that if I let The Lord lead He will take me places I never dreamed of. See the best thing about dreaming is that it not only occupies your time but it also motivates you to dream bigger each time one of your dreams is fulfilled. As a young woman all I wanted was to be independent, have a family and help people. I feel so complete when I can help someone. It isn't a facade. I really enjoy being there for others. It is the calling God placed inside of me.

   What I am working on is my ability to see the good in every situation. God places us in positions that sometimes are uncomfortable so that we can emerge better and not bitter. Betrayal, letdowns and disappointments only prepare us to embrace the joys, celebrations and accomplishments better. Have you ever been to a wedding or baby shower for a couple who have been through everything and remained committed to growing their love? It's such a joyous occasion.

   I don't have the answers to all life's mysteries. I do know that through it all the journey is worth the setbacks, detours and roadblocks. Your breakthrough is just around the corner. Regardless of what obstacles you encounter in life if you take the high road you will reach your destination. It's not the load but the way you carry it that counts.

God's Plan

I firmly believe in paying dues. I believe that nothing worth wanting in life comes easy. I watch people try to get over all the time. Always taking the easy way out. Trying to cut corners. I look back on my life and how after my father died I didn't want to go back to work. I am so glad now that I did. I also am glad that I am home NOW. At this pivotal time in my son's life. I'm not a perfect mother, but I am a good one. I was watching a movie last night with my son.  "Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks. Of COURSE I read the book. I knew what was going to happen. David kept pausing it to ask me what was going to happen. I kept telling him to watch it and find out. Sure I could of let him know the major plot twist ahead of time, but not knowing he was thoroughly entertained and loved the ending. Even though he is growing up we spend time together and he is SO his mother's CHILD.

Garth Brooks has a classic song " The Dance" which I love. I have loved it for years and as I mature it's significance becomes even more acute to me. The most profound lyrics are "life is better left to chance, I could of missed the pain, but would of had to miss the dance". Losing my hearing was devastating. I really was upset with God. I couldn't believe it. Mostly because of the time it happened. I had JUST got this great promotion. Moved out on my own. I reiterate, I couldn't believe it. I LOVED talking on the phone. All my life. Please-everyone knows I am so NOSY. Fast forward fourteen years later. I NOW know this was a part of God's greater plan for my life. God has sent me resources, treasures from heaven. He has instilled in me a drive, a purpose to help people.

He has also given me the time and space to work on me. He has humbled me so that I can re-emerge stronger and victorious. To cast away the people, places and things that no longer serve me. Most importantly to be thankful for what I presently have. The life I live, the life we each live is guided by the Creator. This I know like my name. So when I am looking for answers to my questions I need look no further than to God. He has already placed the answers inside of me, next to the song that is inside of my soul. It is all apart of His Divine Plan. When in doubt, let go, give it to God and leave it with Him.

LOVE the life you live and live the life you LOVE

 I made a vow to myself recently to begin living each day with a genuine purpose. I need to start enjoying life more. Step out my comfort zone. Step out on faith. Rely on the fundamental principles that I was raised with. Stop worrying so much and start living more.

I am a perfectionist. It gets to be annoying SOMETIMES. I know a constant theme in my life is to count my blessings and not my burdens. Professionally I haven't achieved all I desire. I woke up today, that takes precedence over EVERYTHING else.

I am so proud of my evolution. I am a work in progress, but I have come so far. I am working on a better me. I don't wanna be in the same place a year from now. Not physically per say, but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I now know the lessons I am learning along my journey are tools I need to obtain in order to get to the next adventure. I appreciate everyone who is on my trek with me. My support system is amazing!


My heart is so full of love and joy and above all faith. God is so good to me. To be able to have a wonderful life and live each day on purpose, on my own terms is such a blessing. I am committed  to LIVING happy each day and enjoying it too. I may not have the best of everything but I am going to make the best of everything. With a kind heart-and a really cute outfit.

Love the skin you are in

The Ponytail Chronicles

Everyone has things about themselves they don't like. Body image is extremely important to society in the day and age we live in. I have always been a big girl. Honestly it never bothered me. Only when it became a problem and effected my health did it become a dilemma. I have other issues that I deal with.

I lost my hearing when I was 22. My so called liberation for wearing a hearing aid was to cut all my hair off and dye it red. Girl BYE. It took me two years to grow it back lol. I also went through a metamorphosis at the same time. I know see that to overcompensate for what I felt I was lacking I started buying things to make myself feel adequate. I also had a good ass job and was making money eating it up lol and buying anything in reach. Walk in a store and everyone smiles.

 It took a long time for me to cope with my hearing loss. I still have problems dealing with it. Late deafened I read lips well. It's hard because I am so nosy lol. My family and friends are supportive. I don't know what I would do without them. My Nana used to always say "I forgot you can't hear too good, like my baby on the bus." I have always excelled at things. A perfectionist, I used to always downplay it. Gradually I have learned that it is apart of who I am. It is a part of God's plan for me.  I am very friendly and outgoing. I always tell people I am hearing impaired so if they see me again and I don't speak it might be because I don't hear them.

I read so many stories of people dying having surgeries that are cosmetic and unnecessary. To achieve a desired look so that they can look like the status quo. Please. I want to be small too. So I walk more. I watch what I eat and unfortunately when you are stressed you eat less. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if you are a size 2 or 22 as long as you are healthy.

If we would spend more time enriching our communities, cementing our familial ties and empowering our youth and less time obsessing about our bodies this world we live in would be so much better. In the interim learning to love the skin you are in and who you are is a great way to give back some of the love God placed inside each of us.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a REALLY touchy subject. I can only speak for myself but it is very difficult for me to forgive. I hold a grudge FOREVER. I also find solace in watching people who have hurt me suffer. I KNOW it's wrong. I acknowledge that. I am working on it daily. It is a serious waste of time and soooo draining.

Case in point: someone that I used to deal with, our relationship ended badly. This person befriended or grew close to someone I don't care for. Told this person SO MANY negative things about me. I was LIVID. My first reaction of course was to confront him and go off. My Mother advised me not to give it validation. To remove him from my mind and spirit. To be grateful he showed me who he was. To be happy I was now with someone who would NEVER treat me like that. EVER! Now fast forward a few years later-word on the street is he is going through it. A Reality show type of situation. The compassionate person that I am, I feel a little sorry for him despite it all. At the end of the day the ONLY memories I wish to take from my experiences with him is the way he made me LAUGH! I actually saw him awhile back and his first instinct was to SMILE at me. I looked really nice standing in front of my building. Of course I was still angry so I rolled my eyes because I am a Bitch. At the time I STILL was holding on to the anger of his betrayal. Now I realize he was just showing me who he was all along.

On this journey called life you will learn many lessons. People will always reveal who they are. You see me with the same people everyday. I am never in any drama, no beef. I am always motivated and my friends promote positivity. That was missing in my life for so long. I actually had a few people tell me I was TOO much for them. Mind you they live in a fairytale world full of smoke and mirrors. Looking back I was always there for them. They were always trying to get over on me and anyone else who would allow them. WOULD SELL ME OUT FOR 99 CENTS! Our so called friendships ended because I finally was seeing the truth behind the facade. I harbor no bitterness. I needed to be exposed to their negativity to appreciate the genuine beauty of the relationships I NOW have. I do have my bad days, but I look at the world differently now. For so long I was someone I wasn't. I can't be around fake people. I can't tolerate people whose priorities are screwed up. Mediocrity is my Kryptonite.

I can't stand people that don't take care of their kids. It's not even about monetary support. I mean if you're not physically present. This applies to BOTH genders. I put EVERYTHING I have into my son. I of course don't get it back at times, but what Mother truly does. I spent alot of my life being angry with my own Mother for what I felt like at times was lack of empathy. It caused a riff between us for years. It took me finally being STILL for a moment to see why she was like that. I am who I am because she was like that! I watch my mother up until this day handle her business. The difference between her and I is she never GRIPES about it. Neither does the other members of my support system. It's just what we have to do. At the end of the day my Mother loves me unconditionally and would never tell me anything wrong. I ache at times for the grief I caused her and hope we have many more years to make up for all the time lost.

Forgiveness is hard. It takes alot to move forward. It must be done in order to heal. It isn't easy at all. I am learning to be less angry at people and pray for more people.

What I know for sure

Instead of complaining about the road ahead be thankful for the ability to travel the road. I was devastated when my career at Verizon ended, when I lost my hearing I was inconsolable. When things happen they are apart of the plan that God has created. Never dwell on what was, set your sights on what is in store.

If you are in a relationship that isn't where you think it will ever need to be-RUN don't walk away! It's hard but if you let go of what was you allow yourself to be open to all the possibilities that are in store for you. The first step is finding what you want and need. I spent so many years fulfilling other people's needs that I neglected my own wants. I was so defensive and wounded that it was hard to embrace love when I finally found it. To let another human being see you naked spirituality and emotionally is no small feat. Letting go of past hurts and issues is difficult yet not impossible. 

Last but not least PRAYER changes things! Let Go and talk to God. He hears you. He knows 

what your heart needs to heal. He will provide everything you need on His time. So when in doubt look to God. Love more and worry less. These are the things I know for sure.

Whatever Comes

 I try to live my life guided by the best intentions. When I was little I watched a lot of television. I grew up on Soap Operas because my Mother watched them. She still does lol. Santa Barbara, Search for Tomorrow, Days of Our Lives and Another World. Girl, Bye! In adulthood I have realized life isn't a scripted serial with plotlines and storyboards.

Although some of my experiences are surreal, for the most part my life has been quite ordinary. I often marveI at my transformation from butterfly to tigress. It didn't happen overnight. I try to remain classy and poised. I always try to take the high road. To maintain myself even when others constantly try to bait me. I just have a zero tolerance for bullshit. I deplore people that are phony. See I wear my heart on my sleeve. My facial expressions immediately indicate how I feel. I take on other people's emotions as well.If someone close to me hurts-then I I hurt as well. Empathy is beautiful, but must be felt in moderation.

In my quest to fulfill my dreams I take daily detours to see the beauty and to enjoy my journey. I LOVE to read. I have read more books than the Nerd in me cares to admit. I used to be less forthcoming about my literary obsession until my Babe started looking at my collection. Each book means something to me, ESPECIALLY the ones my father and I read. We use to read a selection and then recommend it to each other. Those were the days.

Life is almost comical at times. The things that I have experienced in life have prepared me for this leg of my journey. The struggles, successes. Life can be unpredictable too.In this entry there is a picture of my former audiologist Scott Crohn. When I first lost my hearing I was in limbo for a month, Cat Scans, Steroids, MRIs, EVERYTHING. When it finally was determined that my hearing loss was permanent and irreversible, Scott fit me with my first hearing aid. You know I was crying and so was my Mom and my Little Boy. Scott told me that life didn't have to stop it just was going to CHANGE. I worried about my career and Scott assured me that I would succeed regardless of what I was involved in. Originally from Far Rockaway he always loved to hear my take on the state of affairs in our neighborhood. When I received my Cochlear Implant I called Scott to tell him and sadly discovered he passed away on Christmas Day suddenly the prior year. I was heartbroken.  He was so healthy, fit and full of life. His family and friends meant everything to him.

As I have posted previously, writing opens doors that at times we would like to remain closed. Delving into my life and sharing it with the world is so fulfilling to me. It is also frightening. I do it because there is a song inside of my soul. I do it because my story needs to be told. I do it for all the people who signed on to take my journey with me, who believed in me. Who supported and encouraged me. For the ones who no longer are here. I am blessed that I am still here and I will make the most of each day. I vow to embrace whatever  comes.

Keeping up with Kim