LOVE the life you live and live the life you LOVE

 I made a vow to myself recently to begin living each day with a genuine purpose. I need to start enjoying life more. Step out my comfort zone. Step out on faith. Rely on the fundamental principles that I was raised with. Stop worrying so much and start living more.

I am a perfectionist. It gets to be annoying SOMETIMES. I know a constant theme in my life is to count my blessings and not my burdens. Professionally I haven't achieved all I desire. I woke up today, that takes precedence over EVERYTHING else.

I am so proud of my evolution. I am a work in progress, but I have come so far. I am working on a better me. I don't wanna be in the same place a year from now. Not physically per say, but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I now know the lessons I am learning along my journey are tools I need to obtain in order to get to the next adventure. I appreciate everyone who is on my trek with me. My support system is amazing!


My heart is so full of love and joy and above all faith. God is so good to me. To be able to have a wonderful life and live each day on purpose, on my own terms is such a blessing. I am committed  to LIVING happy each day and enjoying it too. I may not have the best of everything but I am going to make the best of everything. With a kind heart-and a really cute outfit.

Love the skin you are in

The Ponytail Chronicles

Everyone has things about themselves they don't like. Body image is extremely important to society in the day and age we live in. I have always been a big girl. Honestly it never bothered me. Only when it became a problem and effected my health did it become a dilemma. I have other issues that I deal with.

I lost my hearing when I was 22. My so called liberation for wearing a hearing aid was to cut all my hair off and dye it red. Girl BYE. It took me two years to grow it back lol. I also went through a metamorphosis at the same time. I know see that to overcompensate for what I felt I was lacking I started buying things to make myself feel adequate. I also had a good ass job and was making money eating it up lol and buying anything in reach. Walk in a store and everyone smiles.

 It took a long time for me to cope with my hearing loss. I still have problems dealing with it. Late deafened I read lips well. It's hard because I am so nosy lol. My family and friends are supportive. I don't know what I would do without them. My Nana used to always say "I forgot you can't hear too good, like my baby on the bus." I have always excelled at things. A perfectionist, I used to always downplay it. Gradually I have learned that it is apart of who I am. It is a part of God's plan for me.  I am very friendly and outgoing. I always tell people I am hearing impaired so if they see me again and I don't speak it might be because I don't hear them.

I read so many stories of people dying having surgeries that are cosmetic and unnecessary. To achieve a desired look so that they can look like the status quo. Please. I want to be small too. So I walk more. I watch what I eat and unfortunately when you are stressed you eat less. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if you are a size 2 or 22 as long as you are healthy.

If we would spend more time enriching our communities, cementing our familial ties and empowering our youth and less time obsessing about our bodies this world we live in would be so much better. In the interim learning to love the skin you are in and who you are is a great way to give back some of the love God placed inside each of us.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a REALLY touchy subject. I can only speak for myself but it is very difficult for me to forgive. I hold a grudge FOREVER. I also find solace in watching people who have hurt me suffer. I KNOW it's wrong. I acknowledge that. I am working on it daily. It is a serious waste of time and soooo draining.

Case in point: someone that I used to deal with, our relationship ended badly. This person befriended or grew close to someone I don't care for. Told this person SO MANY negative things about me. I was LIVID. My first reaction of course was to confront him and go off. My Mother advised me not to give it validation. To remove him from my mind and spirit. To be grateful he showed me who he was. To be happy I was now with someone who would NEVER treat me like that. EVER! Now fast forward a few years later-word on the street is he is going through it. A Reality show type of situation. The compassionate person that I am, I feel a little sorry for him despite it all. At the end of the day the ONLY memories I wish to take from my experiences with him is the way he made me LAUGH! I actually saw him awhile back and his first instinct was to SMILE at me. I looked really nice standing in front of my building. Of course I was still angry so I rolled my eyes because I am a Bitch. At the time I STILL was holding on to the anger of his betrayal. Now I realize he was just showing me who he was all along.

On this journey called life you will learn many lessons. People will always reveal who they are. You see me with the same people everyday. I am never in any drama, no beef. I am always motivated and my friends promote positivity. That was missing in my life for so long. I actually had a few people tell me I was TOO much for them. Mind you they live in a fairytale world full of smoke and mirrors. Looking back I was always there for them. They were always trying to get over on me and anyone else who would allow them. WOULD SELL ME OUT FOR 99 CENTS! Our so called friendships ended because I finally was seeing the truth behind the facade. I harbor no bitterness. I needed to be exposed to their negativity to appreciate the genuine beauty of the relationships I NOW have. I do have my bad days, but I look at the world differently now. For so long I was someone I wasn't. I can't be around fake people. I can't tolerate people whose priorities are screwed up. Mediocrity is my Kryptonite.

I can't stand people that don't take care of their kids. It's not even about monetary support. I mean if you're not physically present. This applies to BOTH genders. I put EVERYTHING I have into my son. I of course don't get it back at times, but what Mother truly does. I spent alot of my life being angry with my own Mother for what I felt like at times was lack of empathy. It caused a riff between us for years. It took me finally being STILL for a moment to see why she was like that. I am who I am because she was like that! I watch my mother up until this day handle her business. The difference between her and I is she never GRIPES about it. Neither does the other members of my support system. It's just what we have to do. At the end of the day my Mother loves me unconditionally and would never tell me anything wrong. I ache at times for the grief I caused her and hope we have many more years to make up for all the time lost.

Forgiveness is hard. It takes alot to move forward. It must be done in order to heal. It isn't easy at all. I am learning to be less angry at people and pray for more people.

What I know for sure

Instead of complaining about the road ahead be thankful for the ability to travel the road. I was devastated when my career at Verizon ended, when I lost my hearing I was inconsolable. When things happen they are apart of the plan that God has created. Never dwell on what was, set your sights on what is in store.

If you are in a relationship that isn't where you think it will ever need to be-RUN don't walk away! It's hard but if you let go of what was you allow yourself to be open to all the possibilities that are in store for you. The first step is finding what you want and need. I spent so many years fulfilling other people's needs that I neglected my own wants. I was so defensive and wounded that it was hard to embrace love when I finally found it. To let another human being see you naked spirituality and emotionally is no small feat. Letting go of past hurts and issues is difficult yet not impossible. 

Last but not least PRAYER changes things! Let Go and talk to God. He hears you. He knows 

what your heart needs to heal. He will provide everything you need on His time. So when in doubt look to God. Love more and worry less. These are the things I know for sure.

Whatever Comes

 I try to live my life guided by the best intentions. When I was little I watched a lot of television. I grew up on Soap Operas because my Mother watched them. She still does lol. Santa Barbara, Search for Tomorrow, Days of Our Lives and Another World. Girl, Bye! In adulthood I have realized life isn't a scripted serial with plotlines and storyboards.

Although some of my experiences are surreal, for the most part my life has been quite ordinary. I often marveI at my transformation from butterfly to tigress. It didn't happen overnight. I try to remain classy and poised. I always try to take the high road. To maintain myself even when others constantly try to bait me. I just have a zero tolerance for bullshit. I deplore people that are phony. See I wear my heart on my sleeve. My facial expressions immediately indicate how I feel. I take on other people's emotions as well.If someone close to me hurts-then I I hurt as well. Empathy is beautiful, but must be felt in moderation.

In my quest to fulfill my dreams I take daily detours to see the beauty and to enjoy my journey. I LOVE to read. I have read more books than the Nerd in me cares to admit. I used to be less forthcoming about my literary obsession until my Babe started looking at my collection. Each book means something to me, ESPECIALLY the ones my father and I read. We use to read a selection and then recommend it to each other. Those were the days.

Life is almost comical at times. The things that I have experienced in life have prepared me for this leg of my journey. The struggles, successes. Life can be unpredictable too.In this entry there is a picture of my former audiologist Scott Crohn. When I first lost my hearing I was in limbo for a month, Cat Scans, Steroids, MRIs, EVERYTHING. When it finally was determined that my hearing loss was permanent and irreversible, Scott fit me with my first hearing aid. You know I was crying and so was my Mom and my Little Boy. Scott told me that life didn't have to stop it just was going to CHANGE. I worried about my career and Scott assured me that I would succeed regardless of what I was involved in. Originally from Far Rockaway he always loved to hear my take on the state of affairs in our neighborhood. When I received my Cochlear Implant I called Scott to tell him and sadly discovered he passed away on Christmas Day suddenly the prior year. I was heartbroken.  He was so healthy, fit and full of life. His family and friends meant everything to him.

As I have posted previously, writing opens doors that at times we would like to remain closed. Delving into my life and sharing it with the world is so fulfilling to me. It is also frightening. I do it because there is a song inside of my soul. I do it because my story needs to be told. I do it for all the people who signed on to take my journey with me, who believed in me. Who supported and encouraged me. For the ones who no longer are here. I am blessed that I am still here and I will make the most of each day. I vow to embrace whatever  comes.

Keeping up with Kim

What a Wonderful World

I am not going to complain about anything. I am leaving it with God. I keep giving it to Him yet taking it back. I am thankful for His love and resources. I am so blessed as are each of you. Enjoy the beauty that is today.