When you've looked in my life and seen what I've seen.....

Thanks for My Child

My sixteen year old son. I remember when they laid you in my arms. It was love at first sight. When I heard your heartbeat for the first time my own skipped a beat. When I found out you were a boy I was pissed. I am now so happy you were a boy. The bond we have is unbreakable. If you feel I smother you lets discuss this when you are fifty. We are twenty years apart and I just want you to evolve into a man with morals, values and character. To appreciate the life you live that others covet. You are the best part of me. I look at you and see that same little boy that liked to read books and play video games. I hope you know how much I love you and everything I create is born out of that love. God matched you to me. Thanks for my child.

Up Close and Personal

The Woman Within

As the seasons change and Spring hints at her arrival I look back at my  coldest winter ever. After my last relationship I had resigned myself to spending the rest of my days alone. Shit, I was more than okay with that. I am a very loyal person. I love hard. I met someone who through no fault of my own changed on me. Let me rephrase that. He showed me who he was all along. To call our relationship toxic is to be kind. As the years pass I am just thankful to come out BETTER not bitter. I wish him well. And to stay the hell AWAY from me.

I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone. Every relationship I have been in I have been someone I was not. Playing small, not knowing my worth, not displaying my intelligence all so they can feel adequate. I also let some good ones get away too because I wasn't ready to bare my soul. To let someone see me and my flaws. One day I just said no more. I was content. I spent a year finding myself, accepting that the life I lived and the career I had were apart of my history and not my future. It was a pivotal time in my life.

Then here HE comes. Like a ray of light after a storm. No game, no agenda, no ulterior motives, just a nice guy. He listened to me. He talked to me. He wanted to hear my dreams. He wanted to hear my plans. He saw the best in me even when I didn't. He held me as I talked about the things that hurt me. How I felt raising David alone STILL. All the money in the world doesn't replace time. Imagine telling that to someone who had all the time and maybe not all the MONEY in the world. And at one time all the money in the world and no time. DEEP no?

You can't help who you love. Good, bad or indifferent like the song goes "Love makes things happen". I respect my sons father and am glad who he is because David is half him all the way. If I could choose one person to love for the rest of my life it would be Jermaine. Perfectly imperfect he is my partner in this life and hopefully the next. Our journey is HARD.If I would of known what lie ahead I would of savored the calm before the storm.

We have so many wonderful memories but one particular one sums up our relationship. One night we just decided to have date night. It of course didn't go as planned. We have a souvenir- a picture we took in Times Square at one o'clock in the morning after having an argument in Dave and Busters. A REAL argument. If you know Mainey you know he rarely gets mad but when he get mad he goes off. I will never forget it. I complained about everything. He ain't say nothing. I ordered some messy shit and didn't wanna mess my shirt up and didn't wanna put a napkin on. We were very inebriated and he told me "fuck what these people think, you gonna get sick". He also kept reminding me to go to the bathroom, everyone knows I hate public restrooms. Then to add insult to injury my feet were hurting because I had on some shoes he told me not to wear. He was too through with me.

 Anyway we decided to take the picture before we went inside after we ate and he was mad at me which he rarely gets no matter how "Kimmish" I can be. He leaves me and keeps looking back. I finally catch up to him and am about to get locked up for killing him and bringing him back to life(pun intended). I only did not yell because he screamed on me in Dave and Busters. He is with an African-American photographer. He had sought him out. As we take our pictures I see all these tourists taking our pictures too! It was soooo beautiful! He said to me "You're my woman and you're a star!"

That is why I am smiling so hard and I am riding so hard because at the end of the day all that matters is us. Forgive me Saints but I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks we love each other. He helped me discover the woman that was within.

Just one of them days....

I KNEW I WAS A BOSS EVEN BEFORE I WAS A BOSS

RIDE OR DIE

I AM MY BIGGEST FAN

YEAH WE KNOW

BESTIES

DAY ONES

You know my NAME not my STORY

As I step out my comfort zone and expand my horizons I am in awe of how quickly things are coming together. Although I am a very public person, I still have a private wish list of things I desire to happen. God and my Mother knows my true goals and dreams. Sometimes you have to shoot for the moon so if you miss you still land amongst the stars. That quote has been a constant in my life.

I have always been leery of sharing my life with the masses. Sure I can give a speech in front of thousands championing a cause I feel strongly about. I will speak on the behalf of the downtrodden. My community knows it can count on me to represent us with grace, courage and intelligence. I have been writing recommendation and character letters
since I was in elementary school. Letting my own light shine, being naked to the world, that has been difficult for me.

This Blogging Adventure was born from a number of things. My English class has opened up so many dormant doors and reinvigorated my desire to write. Refreshing the core principles I knew I needed an outlet in order to accommodate my desire to write. My presence on social media sites has led to many opportunities. My philosophy is don't lurk-LIKE. Most of us are utilizing it so we might as well make it an experience.

I began reaching out to people I have always wanted to interview to be featured on my blog. In a short period of time I have received so much positive feedback, I am in awe of the love. I am invited to many events that are not only networking opportunities but are bucket list checkoffs. I try to attend as many as I can. I also love to volunteer because it is so true about how rewarding it can be.

As I age I take nothing for granted. Each day, sunrise and sunset is a gift. I am working on a better me. The first thing I am trying to do is learn how to forgive. To stop holding grudges. I don't care for a few people. I just don't want hate and vitriol to consume me. Especially if we are not friends and I rarely see you. It's not worth it. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Just respect me and I will respect you. I am a role model to my nieces and other women. I don't want them to emulate my bad behavior. Plus it's not a good look. You ever see someone that looks flawless and then they open their mouth about someone who most likely isn't even thinking about them? I must admit that has been me on more than one ocassion. It detracts from the beauty of the day. It becomes apart of your aura.

Old habits die hard. I am quick to react and I am working on a better me. I am so lucky to be here. I have survived so many things that others may not have been able to weather. It is only by the Grace of God and my faith that I have made it this far. I am not saying the road has been easy but it is paved with love and luck. I am blessed to have made it through. Even though I am not unscathed I am so much better because of my journey. I hope that at the end of my life many will not only know my name, but also my story. There is so much glory in it.

Self Love

Sometimes we really need to take the time to get to know ourselves. As I write in earnest to compile my book, I am realizing that alot of things I went through-good, bad and indifferent I blocked out. I stored it in a place where I never visit.

I tell alot of jokes but I am serious about the need to love yourself. You can have the strongest familiar ties, be a great partner, maintain a nice home but to neglect oneself is not only selfish, it is also detrimental to your health.

I will give you an example. I am salivating over a set of glassware(actually two) and two nice pitchers to add to my collection for spring. I  told Jermaine about it because we purchased something similar in the past. I saw pictures of Ciara's baby shower over the weekend and sure ENOUGH the Event Planner had the SAME items at the shower. Now I am ALWAYS on a budget, cutting corners and making ends not only meet but kiss and hold hands. I am proud of my evolution because the old Kim would have 20 bags full of clothes and accessories in a cab. I LOVE my apartment. No seriously. I moved here a month before I officially left Verizon and have spent the last three years in a cocoon. Yet for the cost of these items I covet when tallied I can get my hair braided, mani and pedi, and lunch after I splurge on these treats for myself. I was given the money to do this recently by both of my little sisters and paid BILLS instead.

NOW the old KIM would do both, regardless of the consequences. The Kim I just left would do the entire living room over immediately including the drapes I want from West Elm and rock this ponytail until Labor Day. The Kim I am now is looking at a compromise. I have an obsession with glassware. My home has a bar and I collect things. I inherited this trait from my late grandmother Ms. Helen who worked for and retired from Pottery Barn/William-Sanoma. I am going to buy one set of the glasses and a pitcher. I don't have but three friends anyway lol. The same people I drink Limeritas with I drink Patron and Hennessey with too.

I am learning to delegate responsibilities and prioritize. Keeping up with the Jones isn't as important as keeping up MYSELF. Bills and responsibilities are apart of life regardless of who you are. I love to cook and enjoy picking up things to improve my home. I also love my son as we all should love our children. Just try to remember to carve out a little time for yourself. I know it's hard when we are pulled in a million directions. It can be very overwhelming at times. If the load you carry begins to consume you, lean on The Lord. I mean it, one of those "God it's Me prayers".

I don't know if it's just me, (I doubt it) but I hold myself to a standard that is at times is too HIGH. Then when I can't reach it I feel disappointed. Those days are OVER. I can't do it ANYMORE. It is depleting my spirit. I am a great person. Good friend and human being. I am a bit much but my heart is KIND. I would do ANYTHING for anyone as long as you don't try to play me. The energy I invested in people, places and things that no longer serve me I am now using to fuel my dreams. I really have a gift. I can tell a story in such a unique way that the reader is transported to my vision. I am going to use my gift to keep alive the memories my family created. To achieve monetary gains to better the quality of life for
my family. To be able to give back to my community and beyond through philanthropy. By truly answering my calling and living out my dreams that is the ultimate expression of self LOVE.